Being independent is prized in our society. We look up to independent people and down at those who are dependent. Yet, being dependent is also important for living in balance and having relationships that work. If independence becomes an insistence, it is no longer a choice, so freedom is lost. When we can be independent and dependent, we maintain the flexibility to choose the option that most serves us and others in the moment.

Red River (1948) with John Wayne and Montgomery Cliff shows how being addicted to independence can ruin your relationships and undermine your life. Wayne plays the part of cattle baron (Tom Dunson) who forsakes the woman he loves to follow his dream of building a cattle empire. He loves his independence and hates people telling him what to do. Cliff plays the role of a surrogate son (Matt Garth) whom Dunson dominates. By not listening to the advice of Matt and others, Dunson works against himself and his dream. At the end of the film, he changes, but not after a great deal of resistance. Watching him change is helpful to people who are so addicted to independence that they are dependent on it. If independence is one of the things you insist upon, then "Unreachable" is probably one of your inner movies.

Your movie

In a moment, you will use your imagination to get a clearer picture of your inner movie about independence. The point of understanding this pattern of thoughts, feelings, and effects is to deepen your awareness of its dynamics and impact, so you can make conscious choices and create a new movie to live within.

Recall a time when you were bent on independence. Close your eyes and replay the experience in your imagination. Then, write a brief description of that drama below, carefully including the thoughts that supported it, the feelings that arose from those thoughts, and how those feelings affected what you said and did. (Enter your response in the following box or in your word processor window.)

What effects did this drama have on you and others?

Consequences

Briefly describe what you get from your strong sense of independence. What are the payoffs?

Briefly describe the price you pay for it. What parts of yourself and your life do you sacrifice when your demand for independence becomes too extreme?

Is what you are getting in payoffs worth the sacrifices you are making? Explain.

New choices

Having become more aware of this movie, including what you get from it and what you sacrifice, what new choices in thinking and being are being revealed to you? Note them.

Create a new movie

Relying on those choices and your creativity, sketch out ideas for a different movie which incorporates new ways of thinking and being. As you create your new movie, be aware that you are of two minds because you have a dual nature. Your duality gives you the capacity to shift from one thought to its opposite in a search for balance. For example, there is a part of you that can be dependent on others, so they can help you satisfy some of your needs and support your dreams. How will cultivating that capacity alter how you live?

As you look back on your work, identify the first step you will take to make the changes you designed.

With your eyes closed, imagine living in the new movie you created.

Independence is an alluring goal in life. We all want it, but, when carried to an extreme, it will make having loving relationships difficult. The reason is that some degree of dependence is essential for giving others an opportunity to love us. A person who is addicted to independence will feel strong giving love but vulnerable receiving it, because being loved creates feelings of dependence, which is experienced as a trap. Being afraid of dependence, the addicted person will think about leaving anytime the partner tries to get closer. The partner is likely to experience a diffuse anxiety about the relationship, feeling that it is always fragile. With instability built into the relationship, it will go through cycles of conflict and tranquility, but never achieve the depth of love that is possible. When we can balance our desire for independence with our ability to be dependent, we get to love and be loved. In that balance, both people in the relationship are able to establish independent lives, but also share their lives with each other. When a relationship is balanced in that way, love grows in miraculous ways.

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