July 2003

Thursday, July 31.
Worked a bit on full-circle cloak. Went to library with Karen. Went to Wal-Mart to pick up more paint swatches. Maybe I'll paint the wall green. Watched a bit of Farscape with Rose and Karen.

Wednesday, July 30.
I bought ten yards of black goods from Wal-Mart and have begun work on a full-circle cloak.

I have been trying to remove the color from my turquoise tunic for some time now, with no success. The color stays firmly fastened to the material. Today I dunked the thing in a pot of brown dye and stirred it on the stove for half an hour. It came out a nice forest green.

Tuesday, July 29.
Took box of books to Bookworm for trade credit. Found some nice ones on mythology, drawing and needlecrafts. I have begun reading Helen Keller's My Religion. She was a Swedborgian. I'd like to have what she had -- the sense of light all around.

Monday, July 28.
Groceries. Sorted books for sale and donation to Salvation Army.

Sunday, July 27.
Ice skated. Sewed garb. Visited with Mary.

I have a theory as to why some people like the SCA so much -- because it's more real than mundane life. One is more connected to nature, more connected to where things really come from. Milk and cheese don't come from the store, they come from a cow and from the work of one's own hands. Same with one's clothes.

Saturday, July 26.
BVSD surplus sale. Mary and Paul came too. We had a ton of fun looking through the books and came away with several boxes each. I got some excellent medieval history books and mythology/folk tale compilations. Age of Chivalry, Age of Faith, Spanish Armada, 100,000 Years of Daily Life, History of Costume, etc etc.

Painted the north wall of the living room turquoise. Lovely color, but it doesn't look as good as I thought it would. I am going to try again with a golden wheat color.

Also worked out at the Y.

Friday, July 25.
A fantastic day. First, a rejection. What an experience! I should have had one years ago. "Misrepresented position. Not necessarily compatible. Grasping at straws." Painful for a few hours but I pep-talked my way out of feeling sad and I learned the most incredible lessons from the whole thing, especially about the importance of being authentic. Thank you to the universe!

Went with Karen to a Caer Galen revel in the evening. Tonight's party was all about a lottery for donated goods. Tons of fun. Karen won the beaded elephant purse she greatly desired and an embroidered cloth as well. I won some black and gold fleur de lys trim.

Thursday, July 24.
Worked out on the treadmill at the Y. Made a garb underskirt out of the most beautiful material. I had been very excited about the garb outfit I'm currently making. I thought it was going to be so neat when it was done! Well, I'm 90% done and I'm not happy with it. The underskirt is lovely but the overdress just doesn't look right.

Wednesday, July 23.
Swam again at the Y after work. Worked on garb a little. Rose called from camp and we had a nice chat. Baby robin on the ground outside learning to fly. Its parents are close by protecting it.

Tuesday, July 22.
I bought a short red embroidered tunic. Yes I did. I'll make a sage green undertunic to wear it with. I can never leave the SCA because I'll never have anyplace to wear the garb I love to collect.

Had a wonderful evening. Caer Galen met in Scott Carpenter Park for baronial polling and fighter practice. There were two pavilions and bunches of food. I made a fruit cream tart in the medieval style. The king and queen were in attendance in order to speak individually to anyone who had anything to say about who should be the new baron and baronness. Ian has a neat theory -- the two shouldn't be married because it puts a marriage under too much pressure. I had a nice time talking to people and looking at garb. I chatted with a lady who's persona, like mine, is Spanish. After three times of asking, I still can't remember her name. It wasn't a typical Spanish name; that would be easy.

Afterwards I went to the Y to swim. I'm going to try to get some strenuous exercise every day, in order to help me sleep, to help me forget, and to help me be happy. It worked this time -- I slept well.

Monday, July 21.
I loved the movie The Hours; now I've begun reading Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway upon which it is based. It's all stream of consciousness stuff which I find very difficult to read. I wish her editor had been stricter. In the evening I went to Dad's, of course, as I do every Monday. David had gone earlier to help with the swamp cooler. The three of us grilled up some chicken/feta/spinach sausages from Whole Foods and scarfed them down with corn, Cougar Cheese and Mike's Hard Lemonade. A wonderful repast.

Sunday, July 20.
The highlight of Melanie's summer is finally here, the moment she's been waiting for. She's off to Minnesota to spend two weeks with her best friend Laura. I must confess I made a big mistake at the airport. I told her Mrs. Halfen would meet her at the gate, completely forgetting that non-flyers aren't allowed in the gate area. I realized my mistake after her plane had taken off. I worried all the way home, thinking of Melanie disembarking in the midst of a large and busy airport to find no one. I called Lorraine as soon as I arrived home. She took care of everything. She told the United people what was going on and they gave her a gate pass. Later I told Dad all about it. He said two things that were kinda humorous 1) If Melanie were lost in the airport she'd have to grow up fast, and 2) United would do all they could to help if I'd called them. They don't like to lose minors. It's very bad press.

Karen and I had a nice afternoon. She got her hair cut -- bangs, which she hated at first -- then we went to see Bend It Like Beckham and to Barnes and Noble, where I read yet more of The DaVinci Code. Quite an enjoyable book. We picked up some snacks at Whole Foods and home we went.

Bend It Like Beckham was a pretty good movie but I was expecting more due to all the hype about it. Further, I had a bit of trouble understanding random sentences here and there, what with the Indian accent layered on top of the British accent. Subtitles would have helped.

Saturday, July 19.
Went to the reservoir with Melanie and her friend Olga. No wind again. We took a canoe out to one of the floating docks where we did a little swimming. My sunscreen has expired, I believe. I have a bit of sunburn.

Watched the last half of Rebecca on PBS in the evening. They did a pretty good job with the movie. It matches the book fairly closely, with the exception of changing the way Rebecca died, from being shot by Max to falling and hitting her head. The change keeps him pure and noble but it completely obviates the drama of the trial, in my opinion. The entire suspense of the last few chapters should come from worrying about whether Max will be found out. Without a murder, why fuss at all? There's nothing to find out.

Friday, July 18.
All three girls came up to my work at 3:00. The plan was to go to the post office to get Rose's passport, after which they'd go to dinner with Dogson and I'd go sail. Rose forgot her birth certificate so we had to run all the way back home to Lafayette to get it. We made it back to the Boulder post office with five minutes to spare. The passport people were lots of fun. We had a great time there. Then girls went off to prowl Pearl Street meet Dogson. There was no wind so I went to the Boulder Creek Path to walk and meditate instead of going to the reservoir. After that I met Mel at Borders bookstore where I was able to get in a few more chapters of The DaVinci Code. We put in an hour of shopping at Target where I had a nice conversation about movies with a mildly retarded, very friendly young man. He recommended Travolta's Civil Action. Then home. Rose and Karen came in at midnight, having spent an enjoyable evening watching DVDs with Dogson and his buddies.

Wednesday, July 15.
An interesting day. Rose met me at work and I took her to the doctor's. She's going on the Pill in order to regulate her irregular period. I am definitely ambivalent about having a daughter on the Pill. In the evening, I took Karen and Melanie to Flatiron Crossing to do some shopping. We found some nice tank tops for Melanie on the sale tables of Old Navy, Abercrombie & Fitch and the Gap. The new fall line at Abercrombie and Fitch consists of crumpled worn old-looking items which can be yours for large amounts of money. At Border's Bookstore I read a few more chapters of The DaVinci Code. The author says DaVinci's Vitruvian Man was intended by DaVinci to be some sort of commentary on the integration of masculinity and femininity. How did he come up with that? I understood the Vitruvian Man to be about geometry and the human form, being an illustration of how the human figure fits both within a perfect circle and a perfect square. "The length of a man's outspread arms is equal to his height," writes DaVinci in the notes accompanying the drawing. Read more here.

Monday, July 14.
I hate to admit this, because I've pretty much decided not to get any more involved in the SCA, but I bought two garb dresses today at the Salvation Army. The first is black, close-fitting, drapes beautifully and looks fantastic on me. The second is a loose-fitting tunic style, blue with white embroidery all down the front. Maybe I'll stay in for a while. The camping is fun though everything else is pointless.

I'm going to throw myself into my art and mythology studies in order to soothe my broken heart.

The whole family, sans Rose, went to Grandpa's for barbeque and to work in the yard. The place needed weeding so we helped.

Weekend, July 11-13.
Medium okay weekend. Long, beautiful drive to Albuquerque during which we listened to a Lemony Snicket story about the Baudelaire orphans. Enjoyable visits with Ramona's children. Darling baby. Cute kids. On Saturday Ramona took us to swim at a friend's family's lovely garden compound. Said friend was on vacation but we were welcome to use their house and swimming pool. Other friends of Ramona's came along. We spent all Saturday with friends of Ramona's. We didn't go to tea, couldn't get reservations. I did my best to be cheery, but descended into depression a bit. I'm not sure Ramona wanted me to be there. She has a lot of friends, certainly way more than me, and she spent the day with them. On Sunday, long beautiful drive back home. No crying. I decided I need to challenge myself more, seek out things to do that are difficult for me, put myself into situations where I have to stretch. Sunday evening was wonderful because Sue, Carol and Eilene came over to see me. We had a great time chatting with each other and I feel honored, incredibly honored, that they took the time and trouble to drive over to see me. It warms my heart. It makes my happy.

I stayed up reading after everyone was gone. I was up till 1:00 with Captain from Castile, my new favorite book. It was hard to get to sleep after that. Once I'm up past midnight, dropping off is much much harder.

Thursday, July 11.
No word from a friend who said he'd call. I don't know why I bother caring. It's always this way. It's always been this way and it always will be this way.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow to head down to Albuquerque to pick up Melanie. I'll take all the girls to tea on Saturday and on Sunday we'll drive back home.

Wednesday, July 10.
When I got home from work, I had dinner and went to bed. I'm very sleepy lately. I'm not sleeping well. Around 9:00 I got up and talked with Karen a bit. Rose called from camp. She had left her envelopes and stamps at home and wanted me to send some up. We had a long chat about nothing in particular though it was very nice to hear from her.

Tuesday, July 9.
I took a mental health day today. More crying, more feeling like I was descending into some dark pit of despair. I think I can pinpoint the trouble: lack of truthfulness on my part about what I really want and lack of connection with the infinite, a.k.a the divine. I must regain my faith or I will surely go mad. As for the truthfulness, did you know that sometimes a person will choose to go crazy rather than speak the painful truth? I'm in that boat right now. The truth is, I want out. The truth is, I don't see any meaning in life and without meaning I go insane. I must take up something -- Buddhism, Swedenborgism, something.

On the lighter side, I took the dog up to Boulder Creek Path for a walk in the shade. She found a tennis ball on a small island there. We played with it and a bit later she dropped it in the stream when she went down for a drink. The ball floated here and there in the eddies. As I reached for it, I took one step too many into the creek. In most other places the streambed slopes out gently and the water is no more than knee-high, but here it dropped off steeply and the water became suddenly deep. I fell in up to my chest. It was quite a shock. I climbed out, the dog rescued the ball and we dripped back to the car.

Sunday, July 6.
Broke camp early and came home. One of my moods came upon me as I drove home and I spent a lot of the drive crying. The girls were sleeping so they didn't know. My mortality overwhelms me. I greatly regret the loss of my faith because, with its mythology of the death of the god and promised resurrection, it has answers to what I feel. At home I paced back and forth in my room, feeling caged, trapped, ensnared, by time, which passes and takes all I love with it. I spent the afternoon sleeping, or trying to sleep. In the evening we rented The Hours, a wonderful movie which did nothing to lift my mood. I cried all night.

I have 40 more years to live. It will be over in the blink of an eye. How will I live the little time left? Joseph Campbell wrote that "there is no happy ending. The world gives death, and dismemberment, and the crucifixion of our hearts with the passing of the forms that we have loved."

Saturday, July 5.
Off to Cheyenne to camp with the SCA. The more I hang with the SCA the more I think the whole premise is ridiculous. Why would a sane person spend so much time and energy trying to recreate and live in some time that has gone by? Let it go!

On the plus side, it's gotten me and the kids out camping two times this summer. I'll probably hang in there till the end of summer so I can go camping at least once more. Another plus is bardic circle. The songs and stories are wonderful. At the last event we heard this one:

I sit looking out of my abbey cell window
And I see not the stars but a face that I loved
I hear the voice of memory calling
Guenevere, Guenevere, don't break my heart.

This event we heard a wonderful song that brought and still brings tears to my eyes. The Windover Bard was also moved. She gave a token to the singer in appreciation.

If I die in battle, the next day I'll be home
(something something) a seventy day march from Rome
The spirit travels quickly on the night wind
And if I die in battle, I'll be home again.

There was another song sung by a woman about her lover, Gregor McGregor, who was killed in battle. She sang 'O great, O terrible is my lamentation.' She said if she had had a cup she would have filled it with his blood and drunk her fill. I understand; it's like Steven Crane's bestial desert creature who ate his own bitter heart.

I didn't sleep well. We pitched our tent on a gentle slope. I kept rolling downhill and couldn't change my sleeping bag's orientation because the girls were in the way.

Friday, July 4.
We were busy as bees cleaning the house and yard in preparation for hosting a Fourth of July barbecue. Dad, the Majors and the Crooks came over. The Major kids had a blast swinging on the tree swing. Melanie showed them some good tricks which involved spinning fast on the rope. Surprisingly enough, no one threw up.

Thursday, July 3.
Karen doesn't want to leave for camping tomorrow, she wants to go Saturday. She has good reasons: 1) the forecast says it it will be very hot up there Friday and 2) she wants to see the fireworks with her friends. We'll leave Saturday instead and camp out one night instead of two. I feel very grumpy today, partly because the camping plans have changed, partly because medieval recreation is silly fantasy and partly because I'm lonely.

Wednesday, July 2.
Rose did sleep over at Dogson's. One of the counselors dropped her off there. I went over and got her and took her home. The whole place is moving and she was helping pack up. She says she slept on the couch. Call me naive but I believe her. In the evening I sewed garb in preparation for the SCA camping event this weekend. I had an argument with David about him not leaving the children home alone all day. He doesn't like kids, doesn't like having to be responsible for them. There's one parent in our family: me. Later I stayed up till 1:00 a.m. with Karen and Melanie watching White Oleander. It's a great movie and inspiring to me because the mother makes a sacrifice for her daughter.

Tuesday, July 1.
Sewed Karen's cape together with her help. It's very lovely, being hunter green lined with snow-white fleece. The shoulders are a tiny bit narrow. I'm toying with the idea of letting the seam allowance out. It will give me half an inch, which isn't much for all the work involved. The cloak I made for myself is very very warm. I'm worried that it will be too warm. I'd like to make myself another one, a full circle cloak this time, and I will if I can find suitable fabric on sale.

Rose was due home tonight but she never showed up. She didn't call, either. So now I'm wondering if she stayed up there or came down and slept over at Dogson's.