Judgments come so quickly in an automatic way, we fail to notice how they affect our inner peace and poison our relationships. We become attached to our own outlook, then judge any outlook that diverges from it with a negative evaluation. If the judgment is harsh, we will feel its effects in annoyance, resentment, or anger. The turbulence can stay with us for several days, as we recall what was said, which triggers the same emotion. We relive and suffer from our judgments of ourselves and others. When we play the judge, we are deciding who is guilty. When we condemn ourselves, we are; When we condemn others, they are.This does not mean that we should completely abandon judgment, because there is a positive function to guilt when it identifies an excess that requires a change. There are limits to what we can and should accept from others and ourselves. Yet, notice how often we jump to condemn others over the most trivial matters, like the opinions they hold or the lifestyles they lead. Those are realms where some constructive change is possible.
In My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002), Michael Constantine plays the role of a fanatically Greek father who insists that his daughter (Nia Vardalos) find a good Greek man to marry and then have lots of children. Instead, she falls in love with a man (John Corbett) who is not Greek. What is interesting to watch is how the father lives in strong opinions about everything related to being Greek and how those opinions lead him to condemn anyone who disagrees. His character shows us the thinking pattern of condemnation and the repercussions of it. He is so extreme that it makes you laugh. Yet, for people who are in condemnation, laughter would be an insult and a cause for an angry response. That is the way it is with people who are so sure that they are right.
In this movie, it is the wife (played by Lainie Kazan) who can accept rather than resist the fact that her daughter will marry a man who is not Greek. Slowly, she works on her rigid husband's thinking, sometimes in a subtle way and at other times with direct verbal force. Slowly, her husband's tirades against the man his daughter loves give way to change. The change is most vividly revealed in his small speech at the wedding near the end of the film. It is one of the highlights of the film, because it gives the viewer hope that change is possible even for those who choose condemnation as a way to get and maintain control. It shows us another way to think and be. If judgment and condemnation is one of your movies, your awareness of it and its consequences can free you to make a change.
Your movie
In a moment, you will use your imagination to get a clearer picture of your inner movie about judgment and condemnation. The point of understanding this pattern of thoughts, feelings, and effects is to deepen your awareness of its dynamics and impact, so you can make conscious choices and create a new movie to live within.
Recall a time when you condemned yourself or another person. Close your eyes and replay the experience in your imagination. Then, write a brief description of that drama below, carefully including the thoughts that supported it, the feelings that arose from those thoughts, and how those feelings affected what you said and did. (Enter your response in the following box or in your word processor window.)
What effects did this drama have on you and others?
ConsequencesBriefly describe what you get from condemning yourself or others. What are the payoffs?
Briefly describe the price you pay for it. What parts of yourself and your life do you sacrifice by condemning yourself or others too often or too harshly?
Is what you are getting in payoffs worth the sacrifices you are making? Explain.
New choices
Having become more aware of this movie, including what you get from it and what you sacrifice, what new choices in thinking and being are revealed to you? Note them.
Create a new movie
Relying on those choices and your creativity, sketch out ideas for a different movie which incorporates new ways of thinking and being. As you create your new movie, be aware that you are of two minds because you have a dual nature. Your duality gives you the capacity to shift from one thought to its opposite in a search for balance. For example, there is a side of you that can accept yourself and others more fully. How will cultivating that capacity for acceptance alter how you live?
As you look back on your work, identify the first step you will take to make the changes you designed.
With your eyes closed, imagine living in the new movie you created.
We live in personal values that shape our judgments about everything. Therefore, we constantly assess everything, including how we look, how others look, what we say, what others say, how we behave, and how others behave. We are always in judge's robes, identifying what fits our values as "good," while rejecting what deviates. This assessment is so natural and automatic, we fail to realize that we have a choice in the matter.
When we realize that we are of two minds about judgment, we discover the part of us that can accept ourselves and others. This does not mean that every thing we and others do is okay; only that we quit condemning when the issues are trivial, like mistakes, opinions, appearance, or life style. Think of the times when we hurt ourselves or others by expressing severe judgments, then consider how acceptance might have served us or them better. When we know we have a choice to judge or not judge, we gain access to freedom. When we can use judgment but not abuse it, we are living in balance.