Putting ourselves and others down is a popular sport in our society. We do it often and sometimes with such a mean spirit, we hurt ourselves and others deeply. Not fully aware of the terrible impact of the game, we keep playing, thinking that putdowns are what we or others deserve. Yet, put downs have a profound impact on us because they place limits on our potential to achieve greatness by undermining our confidence. When we put ourselves down, we lose the strength to strive hard enough to reach our goals. When we put others down, we lower the bar for them, so they fail to strive as hard and consequently accomplish less. The game of put downs shows how little we appreciate ourselves and others.

The power of put downs to diminish our ability to achieve is revealed in Bang the Drum Slowly (1973) with Robert de Niro as Bruce Pearson, a mediocre catcher, who is not very smart and who the other players love to "rag on." They constantly try to undermine him with cutting comments. They go beyond that to put each other down, so, with all the negativity, the team falters because everyone is being undercut and no one is working together. In the beginning of the film, we learn that Bruce has an incurable disease. Only Henry, the team's star pitcher, played by Michael Moriarty, knows about it. He does his best to conceal the truth from the other players and coaches, but eventually the news leaks out. As knowledge of Bruce's condition spreads, the players stop ragging him, which has a surprising impact on his ability to play. Without the put downs, he starts hitting the ball and playing at a higher level. As the other players stop ragging on each other, they pull together as a team and begin playing with enthusiasm. We know what the outcome will be for Bruce, so the film has a sad undertone, but its message about stopping the game of putdowns leaves us with some hope for change. If you play the game of undercutting yourself or others, "Put Down" will help you put a stop to it.

Your movie

In a moment, you will use your imagination to get a clearer picture of your inner movie featuring the put down. The point of understanding this pattern of thoughts, feelings, and effects is to deepen your awareness of its dynamics and impact, so you can make conscious choices and create a new movie to live within.

Recall a time when you put yourself or another person down. Close your eyes and replay the experience in your imagination. Then, write a brief description of the drama below, carefully including the thoughts that supported the drama, the feelings that arose from those thoughts, and how those feelings affected what you said and did. (Enter your response in the following box or in your word processor window.)

What effects did this drama have on you and others?

Consequences

Briefly describe what you get from playing the game of put down. What are the payoffs?

Briefly describe the price you pay for it. What parts of yourself and your life do you sacrifice when you use put downs?

Is what you are getting in payoffs worth the sacrifices you are making? Explain.

New choices

Having become more aware of this movie, including what you get from it and what you sacrifice, what new choices in thinking and being are being revealed to you? Note them.

Create a new movie

Relying on those choices and your creativity, sketch out ideas for a different movie which incorporates new ways of thinking and being. As you create your new movie, be aware that you are of two minds because you have a dual nature. Your duality gives you the capacity to shift from one thought to its opposite in a search for balance. For example, there is a side of you who can feel appreciation for yourself and others rather than playing the put down game. How will cultivating that capacity to express appreciation alter how you live?

As you look back on your work, identify the first step you will take to make the changes you designed.

With your eyes closed, imagine living in your new movie.

Put downs are criticisms with the intention to hurt. When we direct them toward ourselves, we undercut our confidence and diminish our capacity for effective action. When we cut down others, it is often to hurt them or to make ourselves feel bigger. Being of two minds, all of us have the capacity to criticize and appreciate. When criticism is used to change ourselves or to suggest a change for another person, it can be a useful tool of innovation. There are also times when appreciation is the wise course. Free to criticize or appreciate, we create greater flexibility and balance, which allows us to operate in constructive rather than destructive ways. The simple step of stopping put downs increases the chances that we can make life better for everyone.

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