"The Boss"
The Drama of Domination
Quite often, people
who dominate others do not know it. They shield themselves from the truth
by failing to notice how they are constantly looking for opportunities to
get their way when they have a stake in a situation. People addicted to control
tend to have a stake in every situation because it is the control they love,
not necessarily just its rewards. It is far easier to become aware of this
domination pattern when we are submitting to it because we feel smaller, which
makes us conscious of the weight of the control. Domination makes us feel
bigger, so we are less aware of it.
Fanny and Alexander
(1983), by Ingmar
Bergman, shows the power of addiction to control. In the film, it is Alexander’s
stepfather, a “religious” man, who must have control over everyone in his
life including his wife, his flock, and Alexander. Throughout the film, we
see how the step father’s need for control ruins everything it touches, including
Alexander, who is the brunt of his constant criticism. The tragedy of the
film emerges as we watch Alexander internalize his stepfather’s harsh judgments,
so at the end he has created the stepfather within himself. We know that he
will live a life of self-condemnation and that it will be automatic. How many
of us are still carrying the judgments of parents and teachers who were our
controllers and vigorous opponents?
By contrast, in Bagdad Cafe
(1987), we see both sides of the issue of control. The
owner of the café , Brenda (played by CCH Pounder) exercises control over
everyone in her life and, of course, her desire for domination makes her and
others miserable. Her addiction to control gets in the way of her goal of
having a successful business. When a woman from Germany named Jasmin (Marianne
Sagebrecht) comes to stay, magic begins to happen. Out from under the dominating
hand of her husband who had abandoned her on the roadside, Jasmin slowly begins
to exercise some control of her own. While this means that she infringes on
Brenda’s turf, there is a slow evolution where Brenda gives up needing to
control everything and Jasmin begins to exercise more control. This leads
to a better balance between the two women, so their unique gifts can be realized.
They learn to control and relinquish control to serve a higher goal. Magic
happens when that balance is achieved. How balanced are you about wanting
control? "The Boss" will help you discover whether control is a
place where change is possible for you.
Your
Movie
In
a moment, you will use your imagination to get a clearer picture of your inner
movie about control and domination. The
point of understanding this pattern of thoughts, feelings, and effects is
to deepen your awareness of its dynamics and impact, so you can make conscious
choices and create a new movie to live within.
Recall a time when you dominated and controlled a person or group. Close your eyes and replay the experience in your imagination. Then, write a brief description of that drama below, carefully including the thoughts that supported it, the feelings that arose from those thoughts, and how those feelings affected what you said and did. (Enter your response in the following box or in your word processor window.)
What effects
did this drama have on you and others?
Consequences
Briefly describe what you get from control and domination.
What are the payoffs?
Briefly describe the price you
pay for it. What parts of yourself and your life do you sacrifice when your
efforts to control and dominate others become too extreme?
Is what you are getting in payoffs worth the sacrifices you are making? Explain.
New choices
Having become more aware of this movie,
including what you get from it and what you sacrifice, what new choices in
thinking and being are revealed to you? Note them.
Create a new movie
Relying on those choices and your creativity, sketch out ideas
for a different movie which incorporates new ways of thinking and being. As
you create your new movie, be aware that you are of two minds because you
have a dual nature. Your duality
gives you the capacity to shift from one thought to its opposite in a search
for balance. For
example, there is a side of you that can relinquish control and give up domination.
How
will cultivating that capacity alter how you live?
As
you look back on your work, identify the first step you will take to make
the changes you designed.
With your eyes closed, imagine living in the new movie you
created.
Being
too controlling or not being able to take control can be problems that undermine
us. A balanced approach creates the freedom to go either direction according
to our circumstances. When we can take control, we create the opportunity
to shape our circumstances so our needs are satisfied. When we can give up
control to others, we allow ourselves to be influenced by their wishes and
desires. When people in a relationship learn to share control, they avoid
creating domination and the resentment it inevitably creates. When control
is balanced in this way, the relationship becomes more balanced, which will
cause it to flourish and endure.