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About Jim
Chapter 22Cultivating Love
Falling in love is easy; staying in love for the long haul is difficult. Why? When we fall in love, we're caught up in such an idealistic fantasy that we can dismiss our heartthrob's quirks and weaknesses without hesitation. When that fantasy meets reality, it's a whole different matter. We begin to judge and compare, noticing our mate's shortcomings, while wishing he or she would live up to our ideals.
Ideals seem so beautiful on the surface, but they can also have very sharp teeth. This goes for the ideals we have about ourselves, which we use to put ourselves down, and also the ideals we have about our mates to put them down. To cultivate love, we have to look at our mates differently. Instead of noticing the things we don't like about them, we have to notice their good qualities. I can hear you say, "That's not realistic. There are things my mate needs to change." Of course your mate needs to change, but here's the kicker--so do you. See, cultivating love means using what I call "creative balancing." You know that when you and your mate get on each other's cases too much, you argue, sometimes fight, and it goes nowhere. Well, it might produce apologies. Creative balancing in this case means reducing the criticisms and increasing the appreciations, so love can grow. This takes mindfulness, where you're actually choosing to hold back the complaints and choosing to think and say positive things about your mate.
As an important part of the work of cultivating love, you and your mate take the psychological type test in David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates’ Please Understand Me. After taking the test, read their chapter on mating. It will reveal some surprising patterns that foster love and undermine it. After you and your mate have taken the test and read the mating chapter, set up a time to share and discuss ways that you now understand each other and how that can open up new possibilities for changing your relationship in positive ways.
Seek to balance your conflicting temperaments to produce greater wholeness in your relationship. Differences can make a relationship strong if they are appreciated. Develop traits you admire in each other so you can each create greater wholeness within yourself. Become gardeners of love, working hard at it until it grows into something beautiful and sustainable.
When we quit using digs and, instead, convey appreciation and admiration, love will grow.
When partners cultivate a lot of negativity in their relationship, they will create emotions bordering on hate. When they cultivate a lot of positivity, they will nurture love. Everyone knows this, but how many people can actually do it? Cultivating love is like raising children. It takes a lot of mindfulness, effort, patience, and, I would add, a kind heart.
To cultivate more love, hold back negative thoughts that will create damage and express a negative thought which could improve understanding and deepen love. To cultivate more love, express affection whenever you have the impulse to do so. If you suddenly have an impulse to hug or kiss your mate, do it! If you're feeling love, express it. Saying "I love you" is as important as waking up in the morning. People who don't express love, don't grow love.
To make love last, unpack the imaginary suitcase and make a commitment to your mate for long haul. When you do that, you will see your love deepen and strengthen. However, if your mate is abusive, psychologically or physically, pack a real suitcase and get out of town.
Everyone deserves loves. No one deserves abuse.
If you want to cultivate love, cultivate a caring interest in your mate. This means giving your mate's needs priority over your own at times, including, God forbid, turning off a football game and going on a walk with your mate. Yikes! I'm going to get in trouble by saying this.
We all deserve attention and don't deserve neglect.
If you talk too much, cultivate the capacity to listen and to feel compassion. If you don't talk enough, speak up. It's the only way your take on things can become known. When you remain silent, you give all the power to your mate to shape how problems are understood and resolved. Why would you want to do that?
When you're trying to solve a problem together, set aside the desire to win the argument, and, instead, strive to reach an amiable agreement. If you seek peace while you're in the midst of conflicts, you will cultivate love and the capacity of your relationship to survive only the long haul.
Knowing we're going to mess up a lot, we have to be ready to seek forgiveness and to give it if, by chance, our mate has messed up. Asking for and receiving forgiveness is kind of magical, because as soon as we are forgiven or we forgive, we clear the slate, which means putting the past in the past. In baseball, that would be starting a new inning.
Now, this sounds pretty easy, right? Not really. Why? Because some people don't like seeking forgiveness because it makes them wrong and rather puny. Come on now, if we know we've been wrong about something, isn't it the higher calling to fess up? Saying we're sorry gives us a side benefit because forgiveness usually spawns a nice hug and kiss.
When you and your partner are adept at seeking and giving forgiveness, you can buy my sweatshirt with the following words written across the back: "Saying 'I'm Sorry' is a Lot Easier than Feeling Guilt and Regret."
There are all kinds of addictions in life and one of the most damaging is needing to be right all the time. If you know someone like that, you know what I mean. To cultivate love, giving up the addiction to control--of wanting to be right--is an important step toward achieving lasting peace.
What's a healthier option to always wanting control? Sharing it, for heavens sake. When one mate and then another takes control (when it makes sense), they can both be right about something. This will inflate their egos and make it a lot easier to be around them. Come on, share the power. Both of you can be right some of the time. "Whew, I can hear you say, what a relief!"
Children learn at a very young age about the resources they have to dominate their parents. Throwing a tantrum, begging, crying--these simple resources can turn a parent's steely heart to mush.
Well, here's the news! Grown ups--yes, you and me--still use some of our childhood resources to dominate our mates. Ever cried to get your way? Ever withdrawn in silence, hoping your mate will cave in? Ever threaten to leave? Okay, I think you're seeing my point by now. You have ways, some very subtle, to get your way in matters that count a lot to you. If they don't count, you won't care.
So, here's the wake up call! No relationship can ever live up to our ideals. Disappointed? Get over it, which is what each person needs to do to face reality in order to make a relationship work. When reality is faced and mates can work together to deal with life as it's served up to them, then love will grow.
When you modify your ideals so they are useful rather than undermining, you can buy my tee-shirt with the words on the front, "Get Real! On the back, it says, "Expect too much from love and you'll ruin it."
Am I being cynical or realistic? You judge.
Rejection is one of the most difficult things to handle as a child, teenager, or adult. The reason it has such a sharp sting is because it's saying, "You're not much of a person and I can do better." Imagine someone saying that to you. Would it break your heart and sap your confidence? Absolutely.
Indifference is one step away from rejection and can hurt almost as much. Indifference is saying, "You're not important enough to notice." Imagine someone saying that to you. Wouldn't that break your heart and undermine your confidence? Absolutely.
To make love grow, be loyal to and pay attention to your mate. When you show interest, you're saying, "You count. You're important to me." If someone were to say that to you, wouldn't your heart fill with love? Absolutely.
You already know this: The negative stories we conjure up make us feel bad and the positive stories we tell make us feel good. So, how often do you make up negative stories about your mate and your relationship? Do those stories make you feel good? Do they improve your relationship? Probably not. Negativity is the quickest way to undermine love. Being positive, including making up positive stories, will cultivate love in a hurry.
Is this too idealistic? You decide.
To make love grow, jealousy has got to be put in its place in the back of our mental closet. Why? Because if it's in the front, we'll be constantly afraid of losing our mates and this will cause more than a large amount of anxiety. Anxiety will lead to accusations. Accusations will lead to fights. Fights will lead to disaster.
We probably can't completely overcome jealousy, especially when we're young and we look great, have all the right curves and muscles, and can turn at least one person's head around to gaze at our stunning appearance. Later in life, say in your 70s, the jealousy will not only go into the back of your mental closet, it leaves town. It's one of the few perks of getting older. I can hear some younger folks say, "I guess I'll keep my jealousy. It's more exciting."
Since jealousy is a negative story we tell, the best way of keeping it in the back of the closet is to realize that it's probably an exaggeration. That's the nature of fear. It always exaggerates the worst possibilities. We can also keep jealousy in check by not encouraging it. Don't make comments about the beautiful people you see. Finally, we can minimize the influence of jealousy by trusting our mates. Trust will definitely be greater if you and your mate are loyal to each other. Loyalty creates trust and trust puts jealousy on the run.
When you've achieved that loyalty and level of trust, you can buy my sweatshirt. On the back, it says, "I'm taken".
What does nagging produce? Fights, that's for sure. So, how do we stop the nagging? First, it's a good idea to notice the consequences. It reduces love when we should be cultivating it. It adds a lot of tension to our relationship so both the nagger and the mate being nagged become stressed about it. So, nagging undermines love and happiness. How to stop nagging? Quit doing it!!! Instead, when you want your mate to do something or change something, make a request. It's the civilized way to get things done.
Nagging will always create resistance. Making a request for change in a gentle voice is much more apt to get a hearing. More open to a request than nagging, our mates are more likely to do what we want and even to make a change. Now, isn't that peachy?
If you review your whole life, how many times have your fears been realized? Not much, I'll lay a wager. That's because your fears are huge exaggerations. Maybe 1 to 5 percent of the time they come true. Instead of letting your exaggerated fears run you, devaluate them. Ask yourself, "What is the probability that this fear will come true?" Just asking that question will help you shrink down any fear to fit in the palm of your hand. When it's that small, it will lose its power over you. Oh, happy day!
Don't let your fears ruin love. Manage your mind and those fears will become less compelling and damaging. This will help you cultivate love.
To cultivate love, equalize the workload each of you carries until you both feel justice is being served. This will strengthen your relationship and nourish love.
Express appreciation for what each of you contributes. Don't just notice, give thanks, hugs, and kisses. With strong mutual appreciation (and the hugs and kisses), love will deepen and grow.
When you keep your problems at a manageable size you will be able to manage them. That ability will not only make you more successful, but also happier and much easier to be around.
When you're not bouncing off the walls with anxiety, you'll have more time to cultivate love. Now, won't that be nice?
People who are good at managing money are guided by need rather than want. It's just the opposite for the person who likes to spend. "I want" for that person is a driving force.
Now, if you're lucky, you and your mate can both manage money, invest it wisely (not taking huge risks), and plan for the future with wisdom and intelligence. If this is not the case, then turn over money matters to the person who doesn't agree with wild expenditures but does agree with frugality. I can hear the spender thinking, "But being frugal is no fun!" Yes, that's true, but who says that building a strong financial base has to be fun. It just has to be smart and that means balanced. Sure, make the purchases, but just not too big or too many.
When deciding on a purchase, use my test: "Do I really, really, really need this?"
Whew, what a trip this has been. I hope that, even though you had to face some tough issues, you found the journey worthwhile.