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About Jim
Chapter 6Make Sex into a Crisis
There are two simple reasons why people love sex—at least most people. One reason most people love sex is that is feels good. The other more important reason is you forget who you are, who your mate is, and that you’re in debt above your eyeballs. A sublime orgasm produces the closest thing to what heaven might be like—no egos and no worries. It’s no wonder that people try to have this experience over and over again. Oh, I should add that sex is also necessary for propagating our species.
Okay, I want to admit that anything I say about sex is biased because I’m a man. I know that no matter how hard I try to understand women’s view of sexuality, I’ll fall short. In fact, I expect to miss the mark. So, as you read what I say here, take it with more than a grain of salt. I’d say take it with a whole box of salt.
Now guys reading this will immediately understand what I say, because “guys are guys,” which means—when they’re young—they mainly think about one thing, where to put their you know what. You see, when guys are young, by that I mean teens to thirty something, it’s like there’s a fire hose between their legs. When they see a beautiful woman (or man if they’re gay), the fire hose expands under pressure until it’s nearly flying out of their pants. Now, you women might laugh at this, but it’s no laughing matter, as any young man will tell you. It’s a kind of agony with a twist of ecstasy throw in.
The reason young men can’t make love like Johnny Depp in the film “Don Juan DeMarco” is because they’re in a big hurry to relieve the pressure. Older guys, who have survived the fire hose stage actually become the kind of lovers that many women want. (Remember the box of salt.) It’s the Don Juan DeMarco kind of guy, who wisps his finger tips lightly over every part of her body, especially the good parts. He’s the kind of guy who isn’t in a hurry, but wants to savor the sensuality and in a moment of madness even throws in a good massage.
Now, when a guy reaches sixty, the fire hose is gone. In its place is something akin to a wet noodle, one that needs coaxing just to wake up. Still, even at this subdued stage of life sex can be wonderful, especially for the woman who now gets to have orgasms three hours long because that’s about the length of time it takes for a sixty something guy to get it off. There’s a woman who wrote a book about how you can lose weight having sex. Well, I can guarantee you that a guy over sixty is losing a ton of weight because he’s working his butt off. The woman isn’t doing three hours of push ups, so I’m sure she’ll only lose a quarter of a pound. The sixty year old guy will have to cinch up his belt afterward.
Now, how did I get into this silliness? Well, it’s because sex is like a story we’ve been living in for so long that we can't wait to blurt it out. Like what about the difference between men and women in terms of the number of times they want to get in the sack per week (a few guys might say per day)? This reminds me of a man in his late twenties named Stan who I coached. He came to me because he was frustrated with sex. He put it this way: “My wife is willing to have sex once every two weeks, while I want it at least twice a week. I’m so frustrated I could explode.”
Bob: “Stan, you definitely have a problem here. Have you and your wife talked about a solution?”
Stan: “We scarcely talk about it, but we do have some juicy fights.”
Bob: “Get anywhere with fighting?”
Stan: “We’ve tried some things. The current one my wife dreamt up. Now, don’t laugh when I tell you this.”
Bob: “I’ll try not to.”
Stan: “Well, she made a little flagpole with a small red flag on it and a pull string. When she gets warmed up to the idea that sex might be fun, she hoists the flag. I go out of my mind with anticipation when I see that red flag blowing in the wind. I usually give her a big hug, a passionate kiss and then she says, 'Now be patient'. Be patient? Be patient? I’m not a dog who can obey a command; I’m a horny guy. I know a lot of guys my age and when they’re horny, they’re never patient.”
Bob: “I like the flag idea because it’s clever, but it doesn’t seem to be working for you, does it?”
Stan: “In a way it does, because I’m no longer badgering her like I was. Still, do you know what it’s like to be looking for that little flag to go up each day? It’s torture, let me tell you!”
Okay, this is the guys’ point of view. They see sex as necessary not as an option. When they’re young, they would love to find a mate who raises that little flag three times a week, although most guys might be willing to accept two times a week. If I were those guys, I’d be putting that flag up myself, telling my wife that it was an act of divine intervention, proof that the Almighty has a heart of gold.
Okay, now I’m going to go onto thin ice. I’m going to make up a story—notice I didn’t say fact—about women's take on sex. Unlike men, who are driven to have sex when they’re young, women heat up their sex furnaces as they mature. About forty is the time when a women is going to be raising that little red flag a little more often. Now, by this time, the man has cooled down a bit, so a nice balance arises. He's less driven, more patient, and more eager to please his mate and the woman is more eager to be pleased. In some ways, the forties could be called “the golden years of sex,” but for the women the gold has a big vein that lasts for years afterward. As she develops trust and freedom, a woman learns to let go and this makes sex more satisfying for her. Now, the man can help her out if he learns to approach her with the sensitivity of Don Juan DeMarco rather than the heavy hands of Attila the Hun. When he does, the woman will respond in surprisingly beautiful ways. Love is apt to grow from this change.
So, here we are, with two approaches to sex—the man’s “let’s get it done” approach and the woman’s gentle, rise to the point of passion, desire for psychological oblivion. She needs time to build her orgasm to the point where she can hear angels singing; whereas, the guy just needs to unload as fast as possible. Bang, it’s over for him.
If the truth be told, a feeling of animosity builds up between men and women about sex. Men in their sexual prime (the fire hose stage) can become angry at women for controlling the “if” and “when” of sex. Women of the same age can feel angry toward men for pushing and insisting on it. This reminds me of a note I saw scrawled on the wall of a public john. It said, “If women always said ‘Yes’, I’d be a much happier man.” I can imagine the note on the women’s side. “If men would quit asking, I’d be a much happier woman.”
Now, what I want to know is how men and women have had sex for many eons and still talk to each other. Well, it’s because, even though sex causes conflict and really, really, really big blowups, it’s also necessary. It’s like the Almighty has paid a trick on us. It has made sex urges a part of us. It’s made sex fantastic, an eyeball bulging experience that allows us to obliterate memory for a short time, and don’t forget that it’s also a good way to lose weight. Setting us at odds with each other in the bedroom, the Almighty wants to see us work it out. Okay, here’s the question. Do we ever really work it out to both sexes' satisfaction?
I’m leaving the answer up to you. However, as men and women age, the fires of lust burn with less intensity so the embers of love can begin to glow. Instead of thinking only about sex, you begin to think about intimacy. There’s a depth of love that the young can’t imagine, because they still have a healthy load of lust working on their minds and bodies. You know, they call the sixties and seventies (maybe even the eighties) the golden years, I think because of the freedom that comes with aging. But I think of the golden years as a time when lust gives way to love and the superficial gives way to real depth. It’s at that point where you and your mate grow together and your love deepens.
Also, in later years, with lust having left town, you’re able to see and interact with the opposite sex in a nonsexual way. Sexual fantasy is replaced with warm, human contact and communication. In a way, it’s like being a child again, before the juices of puberty kick in. There’s more playfulness and fun.
Notice that this chapter is longer than the others. Actually, I could have written a book on the subject, but I want to make this short enough so you can read it while either thinking about raising the little red flag or waiting for it to be raised.
Coaching Tips
■ If you’re a young man, you have my sympathy. There’s nothing much that you can do but wait until you’re older. Yes, older can be better. When you and your mate are in your forties, something will happen that will balance the sexual urges of your two natures. When that balance emerges, sex will become more romance and intimacy than driven necessity.
■ Sex isn’t evil, unless you force someone to do what they don’t want to do. If you’re doing what you both want to do, enjoy it! Communicate with each other, so both of you get what you want.
■ If you fight about sex, try to find solutions together like the little red flag, but know that the solutions won’t be perfect. There will still be times when you resent each other, the guy because his mate doesn’t raise the red flag often enough and the woman because her man keeps raising the flag on his own.
■ If you’re a man, see the movie "Don Juan DeMarco. It will show you how some women want to be romanced. If you’re a woman, see it with your man and then have a long talk about how to work together to put more romance into sex. It will deepen your love for each other.
To buy a paperback book of Screwing Up Love or How to Make Love Grow and Last for $8 or purchase a Kindle version for $2.99, go to Amazon.com.