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About Jim
Chapter 5Use Words of Contempt
When people are saying everything that's on their minds, words of contempt will quickly spill out to spoil the romantic scenery. “Bitch,” “Jerk,” and “Loser” come to the surface faster than garbage rises up on a beautiful river. Do you like to be called a “bitch” or “jerk”? Probably not, unless you love the opportunity to come back with an even nastier jab. During a fight, words of contempt are likely to be filling the air—it’s what I call “relationship pollution.”
Thinking about relationship pollution gives us a choice. Do we want to use words of contempt to keep the pollution at a dangerous level or use words of affection to create some nice clean relationship air? People who screw up their relationships naturally gravitate to polluting words. Now, you may be saying, “But I never do that!” Well, you may not say it, but do you think it? See, saying is definitely more like dynamite, in the sense that it will cause a hell of a blow up, but thinking words of contempt—what I call “polluting the mind”—also has some nasty side effects. Think about it for a moment. When you say to yourself that your mate is a bitch or a jerk, you’re already setting into gear some form of retaliation.
So, here’s my take on this. The more you use words of contempt to put your mate down, whether spoken or not, the more you’ll create a polluted relationship. If you’re around people who get along well and love each other, you won’t hear words of contempt. Instead, they’re thinking and using words of affection—“Honey,” “Beautiful,” “Handsome,” “Love,” “Sweetheart.” I know a woman who uses “Love Hunk” as an affectionate label for her mate and I know a man who calls his wife “Poopsie.” Now, “Poopsie” is an affectionate description in his eyes, although a case can be made for a darker, hidden meaning.
So, take a few minutes to think about the words of contempt or affection that you speak or think about your mate. What words does your mate use to describe you?
Well, where does this leave us? I’m not sure, except to say, awareness, choice, and change. Become aware of the ways you and your mate describe each other. If it’s polluting, agree to clean it up together. That will produce a nice change. One thing I know from experience is that making even one small change can have positive ripple effects, and those effects can make love grow.
Coaching Tips
■ Become aware of the words of contempt or affection that you and your mate use to describe each other. How much relationship pollution are you creating? What could you do to clean it up?
■ Know that thinking words of contempt or affection will also have consequences, certainly in how you relate to your mate but also how happy you feel. Negative thoughts will never produce positive ones like happiness. Use positive words and have positive thoughts and your relationship will improve in a hurry.
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